So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
