ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
