My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
