I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
