When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
my poor anus
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
