The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
