Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
