I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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