I would go down on you faster than GM stock
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
