I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Hippo gnu deer
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
