I just saw a hot homeless man
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
false alarm, still single
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