good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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