Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
