I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
