What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
