My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
