I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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