if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
