Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
