she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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