and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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