You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
