Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
