I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I need to stop coming to work sober
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
