you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
