can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
