Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
