There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
