oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
