everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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