He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
