I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
