dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
