Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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