i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
