in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
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