why didn't you poke me back
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
