If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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