He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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