I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
