So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
