there's paper in my vomit.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
