i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
