How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
