The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You ruined the universe
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
