i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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