thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
