The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
