dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
