new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
There's always time for handjobs
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
