I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
